An approach to help parents support their daughters through friendship issues
“Early adolescence appears to be especially stressful on adolescent girls’ friendships and peer relations, signified by a sharp increase in indirect relational aggression. More typical of girls and more distressful to girls than to boys, relational aggression, characterised by such behaviours as spreading rumours or threatening withdrawal of affiliation, appears to emerge as girls attempt to negotiate current power relations and affirm or resist conventional constructions of femininity.” (The American Psychological Society)
If you are reading this page as a parent it is likely that you are doing so because you are worried about your daughter at school. First things first: is she being bullied? Bullying is defined very precisely in law and you have to decide whether your daughter’s life is being made persistently unhappy, over time by other pupils. How long is ‘over time’? The law doesn’t say but a good rule of thumb might be two weeks. So, we can distinguish between an ‘act of bullying’ and ‘being bullied’ because they are not the same thing. For you to know your daughter is being bullied, there needs to have been several acts of bullying over a period of time and not too far apart.
This all sounds very cold and unfeeling! But it is important not to be claiming your daughter is being bullied when the circumstances do not justify it because otherwise you may be accused of crying ‘wolf’.
If she is being bullied, then contact the school and make sure they know the full story.
But what if your daughter’s unhappiness is not the result of bullying, but just turbulence in the friendship groups? Is she experiencing ‘Queen Bee’ behaviour from other girls? Are there girls spreading rumours and sharing secrets? All this amounts to circumstances that can cause real unhappiness but can equally make you feel powerless as a parent.
Specific help and guidance is available in the form of a book, written by the creator of Girls on Board, and his two daughters. “When Girls Fall Out” is a fresh and frank look at parenting, told from the daughters’ point of view. We are confident that, whatever the circumstances surrounding your daughter’s friendship issues, this book will help. You can buy the book here.
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Common Misconceptions about Girls on Board.
Misconception
Girls on Board labels girls and is therefore stereotyping them, which is wrong.
Answer
Girls on Board does not label girls – which would indeed be stereotyping and would be wrong. Some girls’ behaviours are described and the trained facilitator places great emphasis on the fact that the school is describing behaviours, not girls themselves. It can be useful for everyone – girls, teachers and parents, to reflect on different types of behaviour that can be observed from time to time within girls’ friendship dynamics. By identifying these behaviours – some positive, some negative – everyone can think about ways to support the positive and gently challenge the negative.
Misconception
Girls on Board teaches girls that choosing not to have a friend is a burden on everyone else.
Answer
First of all, Girls on Board does not teach girls anything. The sessions are opportunities for guided reflection. The trained facilitator simply asks questions, describes friendship dilemmas and sets up scenarios for role play. Some observed truths are posed which every girl is fully entitled to agree or disagree with. Usually, the only time the trained facilitator would intervene would be to prevent a girl being mean to or about another girl. It is through this non-judgemental guided reflection that girls rediscover their commonalities and that in turn evokes their empathy for each other.
Secondly, no girl is judged (unless they are being mean, cruel or aggressive). If a girl chooses to be on her own for a time that is her choice and that is respected.
Misconception
Girls on Board is the creative idea of a man. How can a man be knowledgeable about girls and their friendships? This is just mansplaining and feels misogynistic.
Answer
Andrew Hampton was a Headteacher for 18 years and a teacher for 35 years. The co-ed school he ran from 2007 to 2021 won many awards, including for Mental Health and Wellbeing. In one award ceremony it was reported that the judges thought that Girls on Board should be adopted by every school. Andrew’s knowledge and understanding of girls and their friendships is based on acute observation, the advice and support of his two daughters and – most importantly – having worked with thousands of girls as part of the Girls on Board project. On a weekly basis Andrew is in schools working with girls, listening intently to their views and understanding their points of view. Andrew is learning all the time and uses that knowledge and experience to help teachers and parents support girls when friendship turbulence arises.
Misconception
In a Girls on Board session, girls are separated from boys in a way that feels sexist and not inclusive. Why are the boys excluded from this?
Answer
For the very first Girls on Board session schools are encouraged to include boys. Boys and girls (men and women) make friends in different ways. Neither sex can claim their friendships are better, just different. When boys are included in Session One of Girls on Board they are there to learn about friendship as it relates to girls and themselves; they are encouraged to compare and contrast their friendships with how it might be for girls. Of course, boys and girls are often friends with each other too and that is celebrated. The way boys form friendships is different (not better or worse) and Andrew Hampton’s book Working with Boys (pub. Routledge) provides schools with a comprehensive programme of study which empowers boys to be the best they can be.
Misconception
Girls on Board is not based on research and there is no published data to back up its efficacy.
Answer
The research that is cited on this website and in the parent book When Girls Fall Out is used to demonstrate the importance of friendship for school-age girls and what can happen when relational cultures are turbulent within a cohort. The efficacy of Girls on Board is proved by action research; i.e. hundreds of schools use the approach and report back that it works. 90% of schools who enquire about training have come across the approach through word of mouth – usually Facebook. If Girls on Board was not effective then it would not still be here, growing every term.
Misconception
Girls on Board is a business, not a charity, and is therefore driven by profit motive.
Answer
Girls on Board is a business and provides a modest income for its founder, Andrew Hampton. His fee would be no different if Girls on Board was a charity. Prices are in line with sector CPD training and would be no lower if it was a charity. Andrew often discounts training prices when approached with a good reason – such as a very small school with a small budget. Sometimes that discount is 100%.
Misconception
Girls on Board was founded by two men from Essex in their 50s. One of those men resigned fairly soon after, and one of the companies under this name went bust. All sounds a bit dodgy.
Answer
Girls on Board Ltd was formed in 2017 by Andrew Hampton, Headteacher of a school in Essex, and Jonathan Gorridge – an accountant and Chair of Governors of the school. Once the company was up and running and Andrew no longer needed Jon’s specific help and advice, Jon stepped down. There were originally two companies set up with slightly different names; one was to allow for international customers. When the international side of things didn’t quickly materialise, the second company was closed down. (Girls on Board has now many international schools from across the world.)
We had feedback from a Year 6 mother whose daughter had told her that it was the most useful talk about friendships that she had ever had.